Posted 10 months ago

I like responding to compliments by accusing people of making fat jokes.

Example: “Baby, you’re my world.”

Posted 1 year ago

Bedroom Pro Tip:

When you and your partner are about to engage in coitus, move your legs like the mouth of a puppet and say “Feed me Seymour!" in your most convincing voice.

Posted 1 year ago

dancers are a strange breed.

Posted 1 year ago

Blowing your nose on the sheets of the person who made you cry is a very satisfying form of revenge.

Posted 1 year ago

Life Lesson:

Keeping a vegetable slicer on the top shelf is a bad idea. It may fall.

image

Posted 1 year ago

Today, I had to fight past seven raccoons and a possum.

Just to take out the trash.

Posted 1 year ago

I don’t want to get a Kindle. If I don’t have stacks of books in my room, how else will people know how cultured and interesting I am?

Posted 1 year ago

"We’re all smart, but we make bad choices."

I woke up with this stuck in my head in the form of a song and felt the need to write it down somewhere. 
 Is it from something? Either way, I call dibs on the song idea.

Posted 1 year ago

So I make bread now…

Posted 1 year ago

Well this is just lovely.

Posted 1 year ago

this is the day I go mad.

Posted 1 year ago

fuck the nutcracker and its catchy music.

Posted 1 year ago

I sneezed and hit my head on a spotlight. 

Posted 1 year ago

He realized that he was retracing the way he had come, and deliberately made himself turn right instead of left.
   That way madness lay.

— Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

Posted 1 year ago

So we decided to raise a few chickens…